Public Transit Etiquette

So I’ve decided to write my first blog about something that makes me really really angry. I’ve also decided that all of my blogs will be writtenabout subjects that make me angry. I’m generally very impatient, and have a lot of sounds/smells/behaviours that make me want to punch babies in the mouth.  I hate a lot of things. I’m going to compile a list one of these days, of the top 10 things that infuriate me.  And right near the top of that list will be PEOPLE WITH BAD BUS/METRO MANNERS! There are many different types of metro fuckery, that I feel extremely blessed to encounter on a daily basis, as I am lucky enough to work a 9-5:30 job, monday through friday.

I would like to begin with stating that I am well aware of the fact that chivalry is very much a thing of the past with most people. It’s very infrequent that a gentleman actually holds the door for me, and I think I’ve had my chair pulled out from under me, more times that pulled out for me. That shit doesn’t bother me. I can hold the door on my own, and I ‘m perfectly capable of being seated without assistance. I don’t expect to be treated any differently just because I have a gash instead of a shank. BUT… i also dont expect full grown men to literally push me out of their way and steal my seat on the metro.  That happens, not only to me, but to people around me. Where the shit were you raised? In a cave? Deep under the ocean where manners dont exist because everyone communicates in flavoured bubbles? Maybe you’re from a magical planet where you can push a bitch on the metro to steal her seat, and and not have your dick kicked off your stupid body. If that’s where you’re from then I can understand the confusion, but if you were in fact raised on the same planet as the rest of us, PUSHING IS NOT KOSHER MOTHERFUCK!

You are not allowed to wear your backpack on the metro during rush hour. I don’t care how dirty the floor is, thats where your backpack belongs. It does not belong between my tits, or on my shoulder or anywhere else. It belongs on the floor, where its not assaulting anyones personal space.

You are not allowed to lean on me. I’m not your friend, and I don’t expect anything from you, so please don’t expect me to be excited about your body touching mine. I understand its virtually unavoidable at times, and at those times I am forgiving of the physical contact. But when it’s possible for you to move up a good 6 inches, but you won’t cause you need to invade everyones breathing room and READ THE NEWS PAPER, I will be thinking about different ways to kill you. Is it really possible to be entirely oblivious of your surroundings? I don’t know if its because I spent some very important developmental years of my adolescence in mosh pits or if  I’m just becoming increasingly more misanthropic, but if you come near me, I want to push you.

It is NOT acceptable to remain seated when a pregnant woman (or man!), injured person, senior citizen, or Jabberwocky gets on the bus, and doesn’t have a seat available to them. Get the fuck out of your seat, stop pretending you didn’t notice the fucking crypt keeper looking woman that just came back from the dead, and got on the bus. I understand you had a very hard day at the office, or you had too many dicks thrown at you last night and it kind of hurts to stand, but this woman is 174 years old. This may be her last bus ride ever, please make it an enjoyable one.

I also don’t want to listen to your music that you’re playing too loud, I don’t want to smell the rotisserie chicken you’re eating with your bare hands, I don’t want to smell like your shitty perfume, I don’t want your hair to get stuck to my lip gloss, and above all things… I DO NOT EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WANT TO SMELL ANYTHING THAT WAS ONCE IN YOUR COLON. IF YOU FART ON THE PACKED METRO, YOU SHOULD BE KILLED!!!

Just fucking say please and thank you. If you step on someones foot, say “I’m sorry”, if you slam into someone face first, say “excuse me” and if I start having the metro etiquette conversation with you in public, say “Shut up bitch, don’t start.”

LISTEN TO BATHORY… WATCH JOHN CARPENTER’S THEY LIVE!